Hit a Brick Wall in Recovery

Looking back over the past year, I have recovered tremendously.  I believe I have recovered to the point of what the doctors termed, "normal enough," when they said, I will walk, not "normal," but "normal enough."

Since ditching the cane (although I usually carry it with me, folded in my backpack), I really haven't had any noticeable improvement.  I still cannot run, I still walk slower than I did before this condition happened to me.  My bladder control has not yet returned to an acceptable level.  My bowel control is acceptable, but not ideal.

Intellectually, I knew that as I got better, the pace of the improvement would slow down, but it has slown down considerably.  While I can accept it if I were top stop improving at this point, I would like to still get better.  At this point, I still cannot do a 10K - oh, I can walk it in about 4 hours, but an actual timed setting, not yet.

For the past three weeks or so, I've been feeling frustrated - and inactive be cause I have not much to share, but this past weekend,  I was viewing some videos on Youtube which inspired me and then I started thinking not about how much more I need to improve, but how much I have improved to this point.

My distance walking is back to normal.  I was able to do a five mile walk back in September when I first stopped walking with a cane.  So, here, no improvement is necessary. I am comletely recovered.

I still cannot run, and my "jogging" experience on the sand a few months ago remains the same.  This is frustrating, and I can only hope that I am still improving so I can actually sprint again - and it's just too slow for me to notice on a weekly or monthly basis.  I might up the intensity of exercises though - that might jump start a phase of imprvement.

Related to that - although I walk much faster than I did about 8 months ago, I still walk much slower than before I injured the spinal cord.  But the same speed for about the last two months.  On a good note, I feel a little lighter on my feet now than even a months ago.

Six months ago, whenever I went out for a walk, I'd have to use the restroom after a few blocks, or I'd have an accident, which occured regualrly.  Now, these accidents are few and far between.  My bladder muscles have gotten stronger, and hopefully will continue to do so.

11 months ago, I used to measure bed-wetting by the actual number of times I wet the bed while sleeping.  But then I started wearing an additional layer of protective clothing.  But I would still actually wet the bed about once every five days.  Now, I don't wet the bed - so my criteria for staying dry became not whether the bed was wet, or whether the disposable urine guard I wear needed to be replaced.  And this is still a routine I go through every morning - and nothing has changed over the past few months, but compared to 6 months ago, the timing of my leakage has gotten steady.  When I do leak, it is generally between 3:30 AM and when I wake up for good. Also, for the past month or two, about once a week, now, I don't leak at all (I still wake up about 4 times a night, though).

My bowel movements have been acceptable for the past 11 months, but now is more acceptable than three months ago.  The movements come more regularly, and I strain less when they do come.

So, I hit another period of frustation, but this time it was a little longer and more intense than the past times.  But I think I've got my thinking back straight and will concentrate on continual improvement, rather than lack of the amount.

As I posted recently, but I guess I hadn't taken it to heart when iposted it: "Kaizen," or continuous gradual improvement, shall be my motto.

Frustation Sets in

It's been a little over 16 months since I came out of the ICU unit, lower half paralyzed, and no control over bowel and bladder functions.

I can now walk sort of normal without a cane, and have some control over my bladder and bowels.

I make adjustments to prevent accidents, but I'd like to get to the point where I don't need to, or that the adjustments don't interfere with my scheduling at all. 

I know I am continually getting better, but it has become a slow process.  Although I don't wet myself in my sleep as much as I used to, the frequency is still too much - and although my bowel movements are much more regular than let's say, three months ago, I still have a tendency to let that control me whether I go outside or not, and for how long.  I still don't schedule anything in advance that would keep me out for more than a couple of hours at a time.

I would like to run again - for more than a few steps, and at a sprinting speed.  Not a slow jog speed. 

Not to be ungrateful.  I am grateful to have recovered as much as I have. I'm determined to recover fully.  But sometimes, the process does get frustrating.

I Have an Alter Ego

As well as my recovery has gone for me over the past 15 months, I do get frustrated that I am not 100%, or that I may never reach 100% - although I am confident that I will recover 98 - 99% eventually.

Until that happens though, with hard work and exercise, when I am not active, I need to visualise that I am recovered.  One way is through my writing - the Toe Up to 10K book, which pretty much journals my recovery serves as a "that's were I was, this is where I am,"

The other way is through fiction writing, and I just finished a short story, available exclusively on Amazon Kindle, about a ninja named Kaze no Katsumi, who must save commuters going home from work from zombies who attack their train. Kaze no Katsumi contracted transverse myelitis as a child, and when not in ninja form, walks with a cane.  As the story is in the horror/samurai genre, it is violent, but also humorous and sarcastic.  Please check out Zombie Brawl, or Rants and Raves of a Mass Transit Commuter the Day the Zombies Attacked the Train.

Tracking Progress

Sometimes tracking progress can be measured.  Sometimes, I rely on feelings.  Generally, day to day progress - as I go deeper into recovery is hard to measure.  I just feel lighter on my feet, or my legs just feel stronger -but no measurable change.

Week to week, or month to month, many times I can measure differences in achievements - I can walk farther without having to sit, or walk farther before my bladder starts acting up - or I can walk farther without a cane.

When I can't see the progress week to week as clearly as I would like, sometimes I get frustrated, but the important thing to know is that I'm improving daily, and even though I might not see it day to day, I keep telling myself I will see the improvement if I just check again in a week.

Moral of the story: don't get discouraged because you don't actually see results every day.

Frustration

Recovery isn't a straight shot, it's got peaks and valleys and it ebbs and flows.  One of the most important mind-sets I've learned to have is to view progress not always by day, but by weeks, or even months, or even by year.

A year ago last year, I was still in the hospital, using a sliding board to get in and out of a wheelchair, using a catheter to urinate, and being digitally stimmed to defecate (and I couldn't do it myself because I wasn't flexible enough at the time).  Now, albeit very slowly, and with a cane, I can walk a mile, urinate and defecate naturally.

I had videoed myself when I first started to move my feet, and at that point, i could only wiggle my feet, wiggle my knees and slide my leg down the bed.  I happened to videotape my movement exactly a month later, and I was able to lift my feet a few inches off the bed, and pull my knee up, even if it was only for a fraction of a second. 

With all the improvements I've made over the past year, frustration sets in because i have not recovered fully - and I want to be fully recovered, now.  But all I can do is work each day at recovery, and know that I am, even if I can't see the daily improvement.  It's a slow process, but eventually, I know I will fully recover.